BYE BYE STEPH!

The divorce is finalized!  Marbury looks to be headed to Boston.

-Jesse

Urinal Review

The simple device was patented by Andrew Rankin on March 27, 1866 and since that day it has gone through a copias amount of changes, both functional and artisitc.  If you've been out of the house to relieve yourself then you've seen at least three different types of urinals.  Everyone knows that peeing standing up is wonderful and urinals make it easier than toilets.  We'll take a look at the basics and then dabble into the extraordinary.  If you don't have to pee by the end of the article, then you might want to get your prostate checked. 

The Three Musketeers

Standard Urinal: You know him well, the most popular type of urinal in America.  Billions of uses each year and millions of happy patrons.  After 150 years of urinal history, this has become the most common and effective variety.  It's simple and useful, limiting splashback with the deeper bowl and keeps things fresh with a urinal cake at the bottom.  Where would we be as a country with out old reliable?  

Wall-to-Floor Urinal: My personal favorite.  Since childhood, my eyes light up every time I see one of these deals when I feel the call of nature, though I'm not quite sure why.  Without a doubt there is a higher chance of splashback due to more porcelain surface, but you also have more surface area and can zig zag it from waist level to the ground.

Trough Urinal: The final of your basic three is on the way out in terms of popularity.  Often seen in old ballparks and stadiums, this set-up has no limit on patrons at a time, which can be very dangerous.  The later in the game/evening, the closer men seem to get and the more dudes per trough there are.  Advantages of troughs can be their ability to take you back in time.  Being shoulder to shoulder with some drunk guy at the ballgame makes you feel like you've transported back 30 years or so.  Disadvantages are obvious in the fact more streams per bowl are going to result in a higher chance at a splashback.  Getting your own pee on you can gross you out, but some other guys pee on your trousers?  That can be a one-way ticket to Vom Town.

Everyone Else

Waterless Urinal: You'll see these oddballs at some national parks or green buildings and offices.  My first experience with one left me confused as I searched for a handle, laser, sensor, button or knob and couldn't find one.  It was after a minute that I gave up and went to wash my hands as a janitor walked in with some tools.  He piqued my curiosity and I waited around to watch him unscrew the round object at the bottom of the bowl and replace it with a new one.  The stench that arose when he removed the item was rancid and if not for my strong interest, I would have not been able to take it.  Apparently, the piece that contains some of the smell needs to be replaced every week for medium traffic and twice a week for heavier usage.

Port-a-Potty Urinal: Small, plastic and off to the side of the small toilet area it often smells disgusting.  It can be advantageous because you don't have to look down the hatch of the toilet with the blue water and poo.  

Kiddie Urinal: Often seen in elementary schools and family restaurants, these guys are kind to children and midgets as they don't have to do the tippy-toe, matrix pee maneuver.  Peeing in one as an adult can make you feel like a giant, which is sort of fun from time to time.

Nature's Urinal: By this of course I mean a tree, or any other outdoor cover for that matter  For as long as there have been trees, men have been peeing on them, because we can.  It's just fun to walk outside, unzip and handle your business.  One of the fairer sex's main weaknesses if you ask me.  

Fire Hydrant Urinal: I'd be remiss if I didn't mention man's best friend and his favorite place to pee.  Stereotypically (and often in reality) dogs pee on fire hydrants to mark territory and assert themselves.  While there just don't seem to be as many hydrants around today as there used to be in old movies, I guarantee if you see one, at least a dozen dogs have peed on it.

Public Urinal: They exist in China and parts of Europe, but definitely weird this American out.

Mile High Urinal: I have a personal record I'd like to share with you.  I've never peed on a plane.  Not once, not ever.  I've flown from New York to London, Paris, Spain, Dallas, Tampa and Jacksonville to name a few places and I have just never done it.  This whole thing started out accidentally, really, I just didn't have to pee when I was in the air, but when I made it to Europe, I thought to myself, "Wow, if I didn't pee on a seven hour flight, how in the world can I ever pee on a two hour flight?" I estimate I've been on 100 or more flights and still never unzipped on any one of them.  This story was told just to let you know, this is one urinal I will not be using.

**If there are any ladies still reading, pat yourself on the back.  I know you've been thinking this article is only for men, but hold on a second and take a look at this:

Female Urinal: What?!  That's right sister, get your stand and pee on, you deserve it.  Although it's not yet made the transition to America, the female urinal is creeping over this way, originating in the Netherlands and making it's way to England.  Be on the lookout, I think it will start to gain popularity at places hippies frequent, Phish concerts and such.

Flushing systems

You've got your handles, your push buttons and your motion sensors.  On the less traditional side you have laser-equipped, and timed.   You'll sometimes see ice in the bottom of the bowl.  Ever wonder why?  Me too.  There are a variety of reasons, according to this article.  The two strongest reasons to fill up the head with ice chips are to reduce splashback and raise the level of sanitation as the lower temperature is not kind to bacteria.  In addition to that, it actually is sort of a  flushing mechanism as the warm pee melts the cold ice and the resulting water washes down the yellow stuff.

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For more pictures of urinals and the like, check out this crazy blog.

-Jesse

A-Rod and Steroids

Pop Quiz: Name the first ever draft pick for the three most recent NBA expansion teams (don't look it up on the internet).  For your reference, that's the Charlotte Bobcats, the Vancouver/Memphis Grizzlies and the Toronto Raptors.

(answers at bottom of page)

As you come to MITM, I'm sure the one thing you can't wait to hear about is Alex Rodriguez and his being caught and then later admitting he took steroids from 2001- 2003.  No one is talking about that, so I figured it's time for me to break the silence and add my input.

First, a regret.  I really wish I would have liveblogged yesterday's press conference because there was so much going on I wanted to comment on.  One example, about 15 minutes into the question portion and this random woman stands up and says something to the effect of, "I'm going to ask this in Spanish and there is no need for translation," and then goes on to ask a fairly long question to A-Rod.  He aptly replies in Spanish and the crowd of 200 and TV audience of hundreds of thousands are terrible confused.  I heard Mike Francesca commented on this later in the day in a way that summed up my thoughts.  Who does this chick think she is that her question doesn't need to be translated?  Me and thousands of others tried to pull back our HS or college Spanish classes and try to understand what she said to no avail.  

I forgot most of my other poignant comments, but take a look at this video.  Johnny, I've enjoyed your time as a Yankee, your free spirit and all that jazz, but don't comment on A Rod anymore, you sound silly.  Transporting illegal drugs internationally is without a doubt against the law.  Also, you couldn't think of ONE other thing besides murder that is worse than taking 'a steroid'?  How about running a dog fighting ring, selling crack to kids, rape, robbing a bank, stabbing someone, mugging an old lady?  Any of those work for you, guy?  But some of the blame here is on Hannah Storm.  You've been a journalist for 19 years, the best follow up question you could come up with is "What's worse that A-Rod could have done?"?  Come on, if you're not being honest with yourself that you ask silly questions, how can you be honest with Katie Couric?

A-Rod would be better served by identifying this  mysterious 'cousin' that he roided up with.  Give the guy a year's salary and let the press rip into him so his claim as some legitimacy to it.  Who even knows if this person is real or not.  If not, I'll pretend I am for $28 mil and answer some questions.  Where can I sign up for that?

Regarding the actual steroid issue, it's extremely disappointing to hear that a(nother) marquee player on my favorite team has been caught/admitted to taking steroids.  Especially a guy like that who was supposed to legitimize the all time HR record.  What do we do know, put our hope on Pujols until he gets caught cheating in five or six years?  Here's another way to look at the situation.  If you could get a shot in the toosh that helped you excel at your job, would you not take it?  Everyone is tossing back pills/rubbing creams/injecting needles that allows them to make more sales, reach more people, close more deals, etc. but you.  Don't get on a high horse and say you wouldn't knock something back to give you the edge.  

I say we just let the last 15/next 10 years be known as the Steroid Era and leave the records as they are.  If we put asterisks next to Bonds numbers then we must do the same for the Babe's since he was knocking bombs when black pitchers were in a completely different league!  

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John Henry, how about a nice hot cup of SHUTTIE!  You don't win either of your 'ships with a salary cap in place.  Remember, the Sawx were the first team (and only until the Phils I believe) to win a 'ship with a payroll over $100 mil.

Check MITM at least three times a week and click on that ad at the top of the page or Zach Randolph will punch you!

Word of the week: mollycoddle.  It means to be overprotective and indulgent toward; to pamper.

Weird video of the week: Me and Stephon (Thanks to Alex for posting this on my wall)

Pop Quiz answers: Emeka Okafor, Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves, and Damon Stoudamire.

-Jesse

What your Dog Says About You

As promised, it's time to take a look at what the pup says about the person.

Bloodhound: You're probably a hunter, maybe living in the south.  Most of the time you prefer staying in, but oh boy, once deer season hits, you put your funny camouflage clothes on and go shoot bambis.

Alaskan Malamute: Hopefully you live in Antartica, the Yukon, Greenland or Alaska (obvi) and you live in such a remote village, you don't have the Internet and are not reading this.  Also, you're favorite words are 'Mush!' and 'Hah!'

Labrador Retriever: PB&J, Apple Pie, Chevrolet, Baseball, Budweiser.  You are just a regular American, owning the most popular breed in the country.  Congratulations on being unoriginal and plain.  You're probably named Sarah or John, by the way.

Chihuahua: Oh darn!  They didn't have that new Fendi purse you wanted at Bloomie's so you went out on got a puppy instead.  I mean, little dogs are hot this year.  What do you mean I have to feed it?  Gross it just peed on my Manolo Blahniks.

St. Bernard: You're a responsible person.  People depend on you to save them in winter and give them some whiskey from the cask around your dog's neck.  Other than leaving the cabin for a rescue, you probably just stick around the house and lay by the fire.

Dalmatian: You've got some money and some land, because as we all know, Dalmatians are always born in litters of close to 100.  I imagine you're a patient person as well, because it would make the average person pull their hair out having to walk, feed and pick up after that many pooches.

Snoop Dogg: Most likely, you're Dr Dre.  

German Shepherd: You could be a cop.  I mean the dog's not really yours it belongs to the station, but it loves you the most.  Come on, you taught it how to sniff for explosives, right?

Labradoodle/Portugese Water Hound: You're the President of the United States.

-Jesse

News for the People

Mo Williams and the whiny Cavs finally got their wish as he was named to the NBA All Star Game.  Where's the love for my boy Tenacious Lee?  Second in the league in double doubles to Dwight Howard, his numbers have gotten better almost each month.

This is for you, Troy Aikman.  Congratulations on finally graduating from UCLA as a 42-year old.  Nola Ochs pisses on your diploma, by the way, youngster.

Someone, please teach Lindsey Vonn how to party.  Come on, Lindsey, either have someone pop bottles for you, or just stick to boxed wine.

Yawnville, USA.  Population Brett Favre.  I'll consider him retired when I see his funeral live on espn360.com some day.

Baberaham Lincoln, for reals.  For once in my life, I'll support the New Jersey Nets.

Since pitchers and catchers report tomorrow for some teams, check out this ultimate lineup compiled of movie baseball players over on rotozoo.com. 

Stamp prices are going up again.  With e-mail, scanners, online bill pay, texts, video chat and so forth, shouldn't the USPS drop their prices to get people to actually send mail again?

Brooklyn Decker is a straight babygame.  Probably NOT a link you want to click on if you are at work. (NSFW)

Chris Breezy better watch his back after slapping around Rihanna.  Hova's pissed!

Check back later this week for the next part in the "What your ___ says about you" series.  In the spirit of this week's Westminster Dog Show, we will examine "What Your Dog Says About You."  Also, once the situation has calmed down a bit, I'll provide my thoughts on A-Rod and his current situation.

-Jesse

What Your Car Says About You

There have been literally thousands of makes and models of automobiles in production since Henry Ford's first gem back in 1908.  While I won't waste time breaking down every single vehicle, I'll take a look at a few of the popular ones and discover what the car says about the driver (pictures below, since I couldn't get the format to put the words and photos side by side).

Hummer: Screw the environment, bro.  You just love to run stuff over on weekends.  Probably making decent money since it costs you about a dollar to just to go to the grocery.

Ford Pinto:  You're probably dead.  This car was known to blow up upon getting hit from behind at a moderate speed.  So if you are reading this and you drive one, you are probably reading it from heaven.

VW Beetle: Most likely you're a hippy with flowers in the little vase next to the steering wheel.  Wish you grew up in the 70s and smoke lots of pot.  Probably gay if you are a dude and driving one of these.

Blue Lamborghini: You are Young Jeezy.

Rape Van: What do you think this ride says about you?  You probably have your car stocked with pez, tootsie pops and ice cream.  What a creepo.

Corvette: One of two things is going on here, obviously.  Either you are having one of those mid life crises and need to feel 21 again, or  you're not really bringing it in the pants department.

1996 Green Honda Accord: You. Are. A. Legend.  Women want you, men want to be you and Grandma's want you to be their grandsons.  You are one of the strongest, smartest, most handsome people in the world and people flock to you for advice and you get asked for rides more than anyone you know.

-Jesse

Some links to get you through six more weeks of winter

In case you haven't heard yet, this little guy decided we'll have another month and a half of winter.  Not very surprising to me since it's not been above freezing very often around here in 2009.

Any word on what's in the water in Kurt Warner's house?  Look at his numbers from 2002 to now, HUGE improvement.  And check out His wife back then, and now.  Babygame city.

Check out this website when you need to send a fax.  I know, you're thinking what's a fax.  Every once in a while strange people want you to send them a document through a phone.  This site is free for up to two times a day and pretty easy to use.

I wish I would have been at this guy's house for the big game.  In other gluttonous news, I'll take one of these for the road.

I didn't notice a maple syrup smell when I spent time in the greatest city in the world, but apparently it was a big deal and the mystery is now solved.  Look out for a recreation of this incident on Monk next season.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm definitely a butt guy, but these breasts are historic, and slightly racist.

Lily Allen, I think she's a singer or something, but wow she's hot.  Check out all these pics for sure.

Here's your word of the week, pejorative: expressing disapproval; implying contempt.

This video hasn't hit it big on the internets yet, but with the help of you guys, it could be the next "Charlie Bit Me."

After the Black Mamba dropped a Maris on the Knicks at the Garden Monday night, LeBron teased his future fan base by throwing up a trip dub last night, Paul Pierce has decided to do something even bigger to show up the two stars, cure cancer.

We've added a site counter, so please tell all your friends about MITM, so the numbers will go up and ESPN or SI will see that and ultimately ask me to write for them.  Thanks, you guys are great.

-Jesse