Friday, June 4, 2010

The Chase for LeBron Analogy

Thanks to my man Troy Boy who inspired me today, here is the story of LeBron's free agency, played out by highschoolers getting ready for prom.

First, our protagonist, the second hottest girl in school. The hottest girl, Kobina, is already dating the senior who happens to be a slugging catcher/ all-state QB/ regional MVP point guard. LeBrontina is hot, but she is on a break from her boyfriend that she's been seeing for the last few years.

Cleveland Cavaliers: The Boyfriend
The sort of ex-, but not totally broken up quite yet boyfriend. They've gone steady for a while, known each other since they were kids, living next door and all. However, LeBrontina has always had a crush on the guy from the next town over who used to date that dimepiece Jordan for years. The couple has had a nice run for years, but she's yet to reach her peak as an individual stuck in this relationship. At this point, she knows his strengths and his faults and they aren't going to change anytime soon. Late this semester, it seemed like she started giving up on the relationship with him and realizing that she'll never be her best as long as they're together.

New York Knicks: The Comeback Kid
Back in grade school this dude was awesome, hung out with the cool kids, chased cute girls around the playground, basically lived the life of grade school superstar. But when he hit the teen years, his skin broke out, he didn't know what to do with his hair and got some serious orthadontical head gear. He lost most of his coolness, but still had lots of friends come over because it was one of the greatest houses in the country. People talked about him a lot, but only to say how sad it is that a kid with so much opportunity and potential spoiled it. Then all of a sudden, he came back after the summer before senior year, P90X'd and with cool hair and still all that money and the big house. The kid was back! Now since some of his boys dropped off, his limo is virtually empty and can invite whoever he wants to chill with him and LeBrontina can bring her friends and their dates.

New Jersey Nets: The Mystery
The comeback kid's cousin. He was very cool when comeback had the headgear, but never got the props he deserved in the hallways due to the fact he lived in a bad part of town and wore strange clothes. His dad just skipped town last month and now has loaded European foster parents who want to give him all sorts of new toys. Problem is, even when he was 'on', everyone just viewed him as the comeback kid's cousin and he hit a really really bad rough patch over the last two years. With this new family and rumors they're finally going to move to a good part of town looming, no one really know what to expect from this enigma.

Chicago Bulls: The Fantasy
The childhood fantasy of LeBrontina. She had pictures of this guy, shirtless and wet, hanging all over her room and inside her locker. All the girls in biology class had a crush on him because he was the essence of cool when they were kids. He had the hottest girlfriend for seemingly forever and his swagger was through the roof. After they broke up he was never the same again. Over the last couple years, though, he's seems to have gotten his act back together and has a lot to offer LeBrontina.

LA Clippers: The Weaker Brother
Like Bruce Buffer, Ozzie Canseco and Billy Ripken before him, he always lived under the shadow of his amazing older brother. To recap, the older brother is a three sport star and handsome as Steve McQueen. This redheaded stepchild has it even worse than the other lesser known and accomplished brothers, because he is also semi-retarded. LeBrontina has mentioned that it seems like this guy finally has his life together, but everyone in town knows there is no chance it happens. She might go on a date with him before prom to help build his self-esteem up but even that is a maybe.

Who will Lebrontina let buy her a corsage and then poke the pin through her dress, most likely stabbing her breast, all the while she smiles and pretends it doesn't hurt? I don't know for sure, and I don't think that she does at this point either. But I know for sure where I'd go.
Since this is an NBA post, here's this from Betsy: 10 Worst Tats in The Association
and not totally related: Five Most Overused Sports Cliches (add 'He knows how to win' to the list)


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