Wednesday, February 25, 2009

BYE BYE STEPH!



-Jesse

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Urinal Review

The simple device was patented by Andrew Rankin on March 27, 1866 and since that day it has gone through a copias amount of changes, both functional and artisitc.  If you've been out of the house to relieve yourself then you've seen at least three different types of urinals.  Everyone knows that peeing standing up is wonderful and urinals make it easier than toilets.  We'll take a look at the basics and then dabble into the extraordinary.  If you don't have to pee by the end of the article, then you might want to get your prostate checked

The Three Musketeers

Standard Urinal: You know him well, the most popular type of urinal in America.  Billions of uses each year and millions of happy patrons.  After 150 years of urinal history, this has become the most common and effective variety.  It's simple and useful, limiting splashback with the deeper bowl and keeps things fresh with a urinal cake at the bottom.  Where would we be as a country with out old reliable?  

Wall-to-Floor Urinal: My personal favorite.  Since childhood, my eyes light up every time I see one of these deals when I feel the call of nature, though I'm not quite sure why.  Without a doubt there is a higher chance of splashback due to more porcelain surface, but you also have more surface area and can zig zag it from waist level to the ground.

Trough Urinal: The final of your basic three is on the way out in terms of popularity.  Often seen in old ballparks and stadiums, this set-up has no limit on patrons at a time, which can be very dangerous.  The later in the game/evening, the closer men seem to get and the more dudes per trough there are.  Advantages of troughs can be their ability to take you back in time.  Being shoulder to shoulder with some drunk guy at the ballgame makes you feel like you've transported back 30 years or so.  Disadvantages are obvious in the fact more streams per bowl are going to result in a higher chance at a splashback.  Getting your own pee on you can gross you out, but some other guys pee on your trousers?  That can be a one-way ticket to Vom Town.

Everyone Else

Waterless Urinal: You'll see these oddballs at some national parks or green buildings and offices.  My first experience with one left me confused as I searched for a handle, laser, sensor, button or knob and couldn't find one.  It was after a minute that I gave up and went to wash my hands as a janitor walked in with some tools.  He piqued my curiosity and I waited around to watch him unscrew the round object at the bottom of the bowl and replace it with a new one.  The stench that arose when he removed the item was rancid and if not for my strong interest, I would have not been able to take it.  Apparently, the piece that contains some of the smell needs to be replaced every week for medium traffic and twice a week for heavier usage.

Port-a-Potty Urinal: Small, plastic and off to the side of the small toilet area it often smells disgusting.  It can be advantageous because you don't have to look down the hatch of the toilet with the blue water and poo.  

Kiddie Urinal: Often seen in elementary schools and family restaurants, these guys are kind to children and midgets as they don't have to do the tippy-toe, matrix pee maneuver.  Peeing in one as an adult can make you feel like a giant, which is sort of fun from time to time.

Nature's Urinal: By this of course I mean a tree, or any other outdoor cover for that matter  For as long as there have been trees, men have been peeing on them, because we can.  It's just fun to walk outside, unzip and handle your business.  One of the fairer sex's main weaknesses if you ask me.  

Fire Hydrant Urinal: I'd be remiss if I didn't mention man's best friend and his favorite place to pee.  Stereotypically (and often in reality) dogs pee on fire hydrants to mark territory and assert themselves.  While there just don't seem to be as many hydrants around today as there used to be in old movies, I guarantee if you see one, at least a dozen dogs have peed on it.

Public Urinal: They exist in China and parts of Europe, but definitely weird this American out.

Mile High Urinal: I have a personal record I'd like to share with you.  I've never peed on a plane.  Not once, not ever.  I've flown from New York to London, Paris, Spain, Dallas, Tampa and Jacksonville to name a few places and I have just never done it.  This whole thing started out accidentally, really, I just didn't have to pee when I was in the air, but when I made it to Europe, I thought to myself, "Wow, if I didn't pee on a seven hour flight, how in the world can I ever pee on a two hour flight?" I estimate I've been on 100 or more flights and still never unzipped on any one of them.  This story was told just to let you know, this is one urinal I will not be using.

**If there are any ladies still reading, pat yourself on the back.  I know you've been thinking this article is only for men, but hold on a second and take a look at this:

Female Urinal: What?!  That's right sister, get your stand and pee on, you deserve it.  Although it's not yet made the transition to America, the female urinal is creeping over this way, originating in the Netherlands and making it's way to England.  Be on the lookout, I think it will start to gain popularity at places hippies frequent, Phish concerts and such.

Flushing systems

You've got your handles, your push buttons and your motion sensors.  On the less traditional side you have laser-equipped, and timed.   You'll sometimes see ice in the bottom of the bowl.  Ever wonder why?  Me too.  There are a variety of reasons, according to this article.  The two strongest reasons to fill up the head with ice chips are to reduce splashback and raise the level of sanitation as the lower temperature is not kind to bacteria.  In addition to that, it actually is sort of a  flushing mechanism as the warm pee melts the cold ice and the resulting water washes down the yellow stuff.

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For more pictures of urinals and the like, check out this crazy blog.

-Jesse

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A-Rod and Steroids

Pop Quiz: Name the first ever draft pick for the three most recent NBA expansion teams (don't look it up on the internet).  For your reference, that's the Charlotte Bobcats, the Vancouver/Memphis Grizzlies and the Toronto Raptors.
(answers at bottom of page)

As you come to MITM, I'm sure the one thing you can't wait to hear about is Alex Rodriguez and his being caught and then later admitting he took steroids from 2001- 2003.  No one is talking about that, so I figured it's time for me to break the silence and add my input.

First, a regret.  I really wish I would have liveblogged yesterday's press conference because there was so much going on I wanted to comment on.  One example, about 15 minutes into the question portion and this random woman stands up and says something to the effect of, "I'm going to ask this in Spanish and there is no need for translation," and then goes on to ask a fairly long question to A-Rod.  He aptly replies in Spanish and the crowd of 200 and TV audience of hundreds of thousands are terrible confused.  I heard Mike Francesca commented on this later in the day in a way that summed up my thoughts.  Who does this chick think she is that her question doesn't need to be translated?  Me and thousands of others tried to pull back our HS or college Spanish classes and try to understand what she said to no avail.  

I forgot most of my other poignant comments, but take a look at this video.  Johnny, I've enjoyed your time as a Yankee, your free spirit and all that jazz, but don't comment on A Rod anymore, you sound silly.  Transporting illegal drugs internationally is without a doubt against the law.  Also, you couldn't think of ONE other thing besides murder that is worse than taking 'a steroid'?  How about running a dog fighting ring, selling crack to kids, rape, robbing a bank, stabbing someone, mugging an old lady?  Any of those work for you, guy?  But some of the blame here is on Hannah Storm.  You've been a journalist for 19 years, the best follow up question you could come up with is "What's worse that A-Rod could have done?"?  Come on, if you're not being honest with yourself that you ask silly questions, how can you be honest with Katie Couric?

A-Rod would be better served by identifying this  mysterious 'cousin' that he roided up with.  Give the guy a year's salary and let the press rip into him so his claim as some legitimacy to it.  Who even knows if this person is real or not.  If not, I'll pretend I am for $28 mil and answer some questions.  Where can I sign up for that?

Regarding the actual steroid issue, it's extremely disappointing to hear that a(nother) marquee player on my favorite team has been caught/admitted to taking steroids.  Especially a guy like that who was supposed to legitimize the all time HR record.  What do we do know, put our hope on Pujols until he gets caught cheating in five or six years?  Here's another way to look at the situation.  If you could get a shot in the toosh that helped you excel at your job, would you not take it?  Everyone is tossing back pills/rubbing creams/injecting needles that allows them to make more sales, reach more people, close more deals, etc. but you.  Don't get on a high horse and say you wouldn't knock something back to give you the edge.  

I say we just let the last 15/next 10 years be known as the Steroid Era and leave the records as they are.  If we put asterisks next to Bonds numbers then we must do the same for the Babe's since he was knocking bombs when black pitchers were in a completely different league!  

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John Henry, how about a nice hot cup of SHUTTIE!  You don't win either of your 'ships with a salary cap in place.  Remember, the Sawx were the first team (and only until the Phils I believe) to win a 'ship with a payroll over $100 mil.

Check MITM at least three times a week and click on that ad at the top of the page or Zach Randolph will punch you!

Word of the week: mollycoddle.  It means to be overprotective and indulgent toward; to pamper.

Weird video of the week: Me and Stephon (Thanks to Alex for posting this on my wall)

Pop Quiz answers: Emeka Okafor, Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves, and Damon Stoudamire.

-Jesse

Sunday, February 15, 2009

What your Dog Says About You

As promised, it's time to take a look at what the pup says about the person.

Bloodhound: You're probably a hunter, maybe living in the south.  Most of the time you prefer staying in, but oh boy, once deer season hits, you put your funny camouflage clothes on and go shoot bambis.

Alaskan Malamute: Hopefully you live in Antartica, the Yukon, Greenland or Alaska (obvi) and you live in such a remote village, you don't have the Internet and are not reading this.  Also, you're favorite words are 'Mush!' and 'Hah!'

Labrador Retriever: PB&J, Apple Pie, Chevrolet, Baseball, Budweiser.  You are just a regular American, owning the most popular breed in the country.  Congratulations on being unoriginal and plain.  You're probably named Sarah or John, by the way.

Chihuahua: Oh darn!  They didn't have that new Fendi purse you wanted at Bloomie's so you went out on got a puppy instead.  I mean, little dogs are hot this year.  What do you mean I have to feed it?  Gross it just peed on my Manolo Blahniks.

St. Bernard: You're a responsible person.  People depend on you to save them in winter and give them some whiskey from the cask around your dog's neck.  Other than leaving the cabin for a rescue, you probably just stick around the house and lay by the fire.

Dalmatian: You've got some money and some land, because as we all know, Dalmatians are always born in litters of close to 100.  I imagine you're a patient person as well, because it would make the average person pull their hair out having to walk, feed and pick up after that many pooches.

Snoop Dogg: Most likely, you're Dr Dre.  

German Shepherd: You could be a cop.  I mean the dog's not really yours it belongs to the station, but it loves you the most.  Come on, you taught it how to sniff for explosives, right?


-Jesse

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

News for the People

Mo Williams and the whiny Cavs finally got their wish as he was named to the NBA All Star Game.  Where's the love for my boy Tenacious Lee?  Second in the league in double doubles to Dwight Howard, his numbers have gotten better almost each month.

This is for you, Troy Aikman.  Congratulations on finally graduating from UCLA as a 42-year old.  Nola Ochs pisses on your diploma, by the way, youngster.

Someone, please teach Lindsey Vonn how to party.  Come on, Lindsey, either have someone pop bottles for you, or just stick to boxed wine.

Yawnville, USA.  Population Brett Favre.  I'll consider him retired when I see his funeral live on espn360.com some day.

Baberaham Lincoln, for reals.  For once in my life, I'll support the New Jersey Nets.

Since pitchers and catchers report tomorrow for some teams, check out this ultimate lineup compiled of movie baseball players over on rotozoo.com

Stamp prices are going up again.  With e-mail, scanners, online bill pay, texts, video chat and so forth, shouldn't the USPS drop their prices to get people to actually send mail again?

Brooklyn Decker is a straight babygame.  Probably NOT a link you want to click on if you are at work. (NSFW)

Chris Breezy better watch his back after slapping around Rihanna.  Hova's pissed!

Check back later this week for the next part in the "What your ___ says about you" series.  In the spirit of this week's Westminster Dog Show, we will examine "What Your Dog Says About You."  Also, once the situation has calmed down a bit, I'll provide my thoughts on A-Rod and his current situation.

-Jesse

Saturday, February 7, 2009

What Your Car Says About You

There have been literally thousands of makes and models of automobiles in production since Henry Ford's first gem back in 1908.  While I won't waste time breaking down every single vehicle, I'll take a look at a few of the popular ones and discover what the car says about the driver (pictures below, since I couldn't get the format to put the words and photos side by side).

Hummer: Screw the environment, bro.  You just love to run stuff over on weekends.  Probably making decent money since it costs you about a dollar to just to go to the grocery.

Ford Pinto:  You're probably dead.  This car was known to blow up upon getting hit from behind at a moderate speed.  So if you are reading this and you drive one, you are probably reading it from heaven.

VW Beetle: Most likely you're a hippy with flowers in the little vase next to the steering wheel.  Wish you grew up in the 70s and smoke lots of pot.  Probably gay if you are a dude and driving one of these.

Blue Lamborghini: You are Young Jeezy.

Rape Van: What do you think this ride says about you?  You probably have your car stocked with pez, tootsie pops and ice cream.  What a creepo.

Corvette: One of two things is going on here, obviously.  Either you are having one of those mid life crises and need to feel 21 again, or  you're not really bringing it in the pants department.

1996 Green Honda Accord: You. Are. A. Legend.  Women want you, men want to be you and Grandma's want you to be their grandsons.  You are one of the strongest, smartest, most handsome people in the world and people flock to you for advice and you get asked for rides more than anyone you know.






















































































































-Jesse

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Some links to get you through six more weeks of winter

In case you haven't heard yet, this little guy decided we'll have another month and a half of winter.  Not very surprising to me since it's not been above freezing very often around here in 2009.

Any word on what's in the water in Kurt Warner's house?  Look at his numbers from 2002 to now, HUGE improvement.  And check out His wife back then, and now.  Babygame city.

Check out this website when you need to send a fax.  I know, you're thinking what's a fax.  Every once in a while strange people want you to send them a document through a phone.  This site is free for up to two times a day and pretty easy to use.

I wish I would have been at this guy's house for the big game.  In other gluttonous news, I'll take one of these for the road.

I didn't notice a maple syrup smell when I spent time in the greatest city in the world, but apparently it was a big deal and the mystery is now solved.  Look out for a recreation of this incident on Monk next season.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm definitely a butt guy, but these breasts are historic, and slightly racist.

Lily Allen, I think she's a singer or something, but wow she's hot.  Check out all these pics for sure.

Here's your word of the week, pejorative: expressing disapproval; implying contempt.

This video hasn't hit it big on the internets yet, but with the help of you guys, it could be the next "Charlie Bit Me."

After the Black Mamba dropped a Maris on the Knicks at the Garden Monday night, LeBron teased his future fan base by throwing up a trip dub last night, Paul Pierce has decided to do something even bigger to show up the two stars, cure cancer.

We've added a site counter, so please tell all your friends about MITM, so the numbers will go up and ESPN or SI will see that and ultimately ask me to write for them.  Thanks, you guys are great.

-Jesse

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Super Bowl Live Blog Time

5:52 pm: What up football fans?  February 1st marks the 43rd 'big game' and the third MITM live blog.  Kickoff is scheduled for 6:28 pm ET, so I'll bring you the action shortly before then.

5:58 pm:  Michael Phelps, you don't need to apologize for hitting a bong.  You're 23, this is what a lot of 23 year olds do.  Apologize for getting caught maybe, or letting people around you who sell that pic and tarnish your image, but don't apologize for being 23.  I feel the same way about this.

6:13 pm: The Cards and Steelers just took the field, so it's about time to give my pick for the game.  I like the Steelers over the Cards by the score of 27-17.  The Clocktower wins the MVP with 230 passing yards, one TD via the air and another on the ground.  

6:16 pm: I tried to get this next point across on the Sports Guy's chat Friday but my question never made it past the moderators.  What's the deal with there being three NHL games, four NBA games and 13 NCAA men's BB games today.  There should be some sort of moratorium (look it up) that all other sports have to follow on the day of the 'big game.'  It's just silly to have any other games today.  Chelsey Sullenberger just made every dude with a girl first name feel a little more manly after he landed that plane on the Hudson.

6:26 pm:
It was just brought to my attention by a source close to the Steelers that the Arizona Cardinals mascot Big Red (also the nickname of a former coworker of mine) has a full time job as a star in gay porn movies.  True story.  In other news, Ashton Kutcher was seen on the sidelines pregame.

6:31 pm: Welcome to the Jungle is blaring in Tampa and the game has begun with the Steelers starting on their own 27.

6:38 pm:  Steelers get down to the field in a hurry and The Clocktower punches it in for the black and gold to give them a 7-0 lead.   NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!  Whisenhunt challenges the spot, claiming that Ben didn't get in.  For the first set of commercials, the nod goes to Audi for casting Jason Statham reprising his Transporter role in a sweet car chase ad.

6:41 pm: Ugh, I was looking so smart calling a rushing TD by Roethlisberger, but the call is reversed with replays showing him just short of the goal line.  Jeff Reed knocks one through the sticks to give the Steelers the first points of the game.  3-0 Pittsburgh.

6:48 pm: Interesting spot on that play as Steve Breaston looked short of the first down marker but got the spot after a McBad hit from Bryant McFadden.

6:51 pm:  First punt of the game comes with 6:26 remaining in the first as the Cards are unable to get past the 30.  Steelers set to begin their second drive of the game from their own 31.

6:55 pm:  Oh boy, Rodgers-Cromartie just made a big stop as he broke up a long pass attempt to Nate Washington taht would ahve been a TD if not for his speed.

7:01 pm:  The Clocktower is off to a huge start, 7/8, 118 yards through the first quarter.  He only had nine completions for 123 yards all game his last big game in 2005.

7:09 pm:  Steelers take a 10-0 lead on the strength of a Gary Russell TD.  Wow, Pepsi is really brining it with the commercials, funny and exciting.  The first Bud commercial featuring the clydesdales was good as well.  Not as funny as this one though.

7:16 pm:  The Cards get a first down courtesy of K-Dub and Edge and look to get something started here early in the 2nd quarter.

7:23 pm: No word yet from Fitzgerald or Boldin, but Edge and Steve Breaston have combined for five grabs and 43 yards.  Wait a second.  Warners goes deep to Boldin and he racks up some YAC brining the Cards to inside the 5.  Warner gets his foot stepped on then throws up a pass as he's falling down and completes it to Ben Patrick, the backup TE.  Who had him on your prop bet to score first for Zona?

7:31 pm:  Big return by Breaston, early favorite for MVP if the Cards win.  Arizona is ser up at the 42 of Pittsburgh with just under four minutes before the Boss performs.

7:42 pm: Pass deflected at the line results in the first turnover of the game.  Cards get it at the 40 of Pittsburgh.

7:49 pm:  Time to go get some pizza for the second half.  41 seconds remaining in the half.

7:51 pm:  PSYCHE!  I didn't leave yet clowns.  James Harrison just ran the ball back 100 yards and might be dead in the end zone off an interception of K-Dub!  17-7 Steelers.

8:22 pm:  Back, just smashed on two slices of cheese.  Pretty gay end of the halftime show with the ref tossing the flag for delay of game.

8:31 pm: Cobra asked if JJ Arrington is related to Lavar.  Stay tuned for the answer after some intense googling.

8:33 pm: Apparently not.  There is no mention of Lavar on JJ's wikipedia page and no mention of JJ on Lavar's wikipedia page.  This leads me to believe there is no relation since everything on wikipedia is accurate.

8:40 pm: Some confusion on the field as there appeared to be a fumble, however, the play was ruled as an incompletion.

8:43 pm: Cuba Gooding, Jr. was just given a closeup where we saw Guy Fieri in the corner of the shot.  Is  he not worth his own closeup?

8:47 pm: Personal foul sale in Tampa, buy one get one!  Also, I would love for Big Ben to have a kid and then Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie have a kid and those two kids get married.  Ben's kid would be a girl and she would be independent and want to hyphenate her name to Stephanie Roethlisberger-Rodgers-Cromartie.

9:00 pm: Wow, mid third quarter the COY (commercial of the year) award leader is most definitely the Career Builder 'Find a new job' deal.  HIL AR IOUS!

9:11 pm: It's getting close to crunch time for the Cards.  With 13 minutes left in the 4th, K-Dub needs to get things going.

9:20 pm: Zona is making some headway now driving at the 9-yard line thanks to some YAC from Fitzy.  

9:30 pm: Kurt and the Cards get a quick score thanks to the strength of Larry, Jr. and they come with in 7:33 remaining in the 4th.  I think this was a much better commercial than the one that won the Crash the Superbowl contest.

9:35 pm: Arizona is set to take over, just six points down with five and a half to go in the game.  I love Pepsi really brining it to the table this year with a handful of funny commercials.

9:43 pm:  How many personl fouls can there be in this game?  Come on James Harrison, show some class!  Typical of a Kent Stater.

9:46 pm: Steeler fan friends of mine are starting to send nervous texts with three minutes left clinging to a four point lead.

9:55 pm: GoDaddy.com has asked me to check out their website twice and I have done it twice with success.  Meanwhile, the Clocktower is marching the Steelers down into field goal range.  Jeff Reed better be feeling good right about now.

10:00 pm: HOLY CRAP WHAT A CATCH SANTONIO!

10:13 pm:  Game Over.  Pittsburgh wins, close to my score prediction.  I think Santonio will win the MVP, either him or Ben (whom I hope wins).  We'll see soon.  I'm pretty much done for the night with new episodes of Flight of the Conchords and The Office on next!  Thanks for reading.

-Jesse