Fake Sports and Activities that I Would Medal in, if they were Real Sports in the Olympics

Spitting gum out of my mouth and catching it again- I would excel at both height of gum and consecutive times caught. This is a favorite past time of mine and something that usually impresses the ladies.

Carrying groceries- In number of bags and overall weight, I can carry an absurd amount of groceries with one hand. The only problem I encounter with some regularity, is getting the bags from hand to kitchen counter. I'm working on it.

Eating pasta- I can't speed eat but in terms of quantity, I could shovel spaghetti carbonara, penne alla vodka or linguini alfredo for hours. It was unnatural when as a child I would outeat my nana, grandpa, cousins and aunt and uncle, combined. Also, I can eat a ton of pancakes and cereal, for what it's worth.

Beer bong- While some people I know (read: AWWW Spit) can chug a glass of beer faster than you can say 'wow, that's fast', I think I'm pretty epic when it comes to the classic (one can of natty) beer bong.

Spitting far- I can spit pretty far as is, but after a cold sunkist (not sure if that is considered a PED or not), I might be able to spit to the Central Time Zone.

What are some of yours?

-Jesse

Pretend you went to Liberty University...

My Sophomore or Junior year at Miami, we stumbled across The Liberty Way, Liberty University's student code of conduct and had some fun piling up the amount of demerits we would have received on a typical weekend at college. It has since been made viewable only to students and faculty, but I found an abridged version on another website. Here is the list, have some fun today and find out how many points you'd rack up if you were caught for everything you did in college. To keep things in the hundreds (and not millions) only count each 'offense' one time, i.e. if you have a rated R movie, that counts as 12 points/reprimands, don't count each movie. Please put your final number in the comments section (if you are shy, make an anonymous post). In the interest of self disclosure, I got 517 points, give or take.

Liberty University's code of student conduct list

1 Reprimand

* Curfew violation (editor's note: curfew is midnight Sunday-Wednesday, 10 p.m. Thursday and 12:30 p.m. Friday-Saturday)

4 Reprimands + $10 Fine

* Allowing unauthorized overnight visitor in residence room
* Horseplay (plus financial restitution)
* Improper personal contact (anything beyond hand-holding)
* Music code violation
* Outside residence hall after curfew

6 Reprimands + $25 Fine

* Attendance at a dance
* Direct disobedience/disrespect
* Entering entryway of opposite sex on campus or allowing the same
* Gambling
* Improper social behavior
* Possession and/or use of tobacco

12 Reprimands + $50 Fine

* Attendance at, possession or viewing of, an "R," "NC-17" or "X"-rated movie
* Deception
* Entering the residence hallway of the opposite sex or allowing the same
* Entering the space above ceiling tiles
* Out of residence hall overnight or substantial portion of the night without permission
* Participation in an unauthorized petition or demonstration
* Possession and/or viewing of sexually explicit material
* Safety/security violation
* Students of the opposite sex visiting alone at an off-campus residence

12-18 Reprimands + Corresponding Fine

* Malicious horseplay/behavior
* Obscene, profane or abusive language or behavior

18 Reprimands + $250 Fine

+ 18 hours Disciplinary Community Service

* Association with those consuming alcohol
* Commission of a misdemeanor
* Entering a residence hall apartment or quad of the opposite sex or allowing the same
* Entering bedroom of the opposite sex on/off campus or allowing the same
* Falsification of information on an official document
* Racial harassment
* Sexual harassment (i.e., unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors or other conduct or comments of a sexual nature)
* Sexual misconduct and/or any state of undress
* Threat to do bodily harm
* Vandalism

30 Reprimands + $500 Fine

+ 30 hours Disciplinary Community Service + possible Administrative Withdrawal. NOTE: For each accumulation of six or more reprimands after 30, an additional $150 fine will be assessed.

* Abortion
* Academic dishonesty
* Assault/sexual assault
* Commission/conviction of any felony
* Illegal drugs-association/possession, use/distribution (minimum two semesters out)
* Immorality
* Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other occult activities
* Life-threatening behavior or language to others or oneself
* Non-participation/disruption/non-compliance
* Possession or consumption of alcoholic beverages
* Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
* Stealing or possession of stolen property
* Two or more individuals of the opposite sex together in hotel/motel room without proper permission
* Unauthorized possession/use of weapons

-Jesse

All Plane Crash Teams

After a gChat discussion with the Lube Tube earlier this year (which was about a bar discussion he had with another buddy), I decided to enlist the help of some of the people and compile several All Plane Crash Teams. At first I thought the Lube Tube meant the most talented atheletes to die on plane crashes, but then he clarified things for me. If a plane were to crash with any 10 athletes/celebs/reporters/politicians/entertainers/etc., which ones would you not lose sleep over after hearing it on the news. It's a private plane, since most of these people are rich, so it's only got 10 seats on it. Don't take this list to seriously because as the Notorious BIG once said, "I would never wish death on nobody, cuz ain't no coming back from that."

AWWW Spit:

Nickelback (all five), Sarah Palin, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Romeo Crennel, Rob Schneider, Joe Jackson.

McMeatball:

Jeremy Schaap, Tim McCarver, Al Davis, Hal Steinbrenner, Andy Varajeo, Ricky Davis, Jeff Reed, J.P. Losman, Ralph Friedgen, Charlie Weiss, Entire cast of “The Hills” w/o initials of LC, Soulja Boy

Lube Tube:

Donnie Darko award for the person who will not be on the plane, but killed by the debris of the crash: Mike Brown.

All my life, I couldn't wait until I had season tickets to the Bengals. It lasted two years. Thanks Mike, for being the most annoying and retarded owner in the game. I hope a bear mauls your corpse after the crash, just in case there was a possibility of it being an open casket.

Pilots:

Big Gay Ben - Hated him when he was at Miami, then he went my rival (in our eyes, not theirs) NFL team. Then his teammate cheap-shotted Carson Palmer in 2005, they kept us from the playoffs on an overtime play in 2006, and their overall success makes me sick.

Hines Ward - Its not an all crash team without him. Well, with him there, at least Ben can have sex one more time before it's all over

First Class (to hell)

Nickelback - If I can't take the whole band then how about the lead singer, Chad Kroeger? They've completely brought back everything I hated about glam rock, except now they do it with rehashed lyrics, and overly distorted chords they've ripped off of hundreds of other bands. There is a reason girls and people without music knowledge like them, they're playing other people's hits, disguised in distortion.

Fox executives - Again, I wish I could take them all, but whoever cancelled my favorite two shows of all time, they need to go. First was Brisco County Jr. in the early 90's (completely obscure show that only lasted a year, starring Bruce Campbell), then they took Arrested Development off the air. If Yes Dear or any show with David Spade can keep getting renewed, how about the best TV comedy I've ever seen?

Second class citizens

Kobe Bryant - Never liked him, never will. Yes he's a good player, but he is just too weird for me. And I don't care about the getting charged for rape thing, but cmon man, get a nicer looking white girl next time.

Ray Lewis - Always nice to be a sports celebrity and get off the hook for murder. Why don't more people talk about this? I don't get it.

Bud Selig - You made an All Star game a tie, have handled the steroid era horribly, and you make less public appearances than Bin Laden. Just let Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame. He's a jerk, we all know, but so are 60% of all baseball players in the hall.

Brett Favre - I haven't seen an icon fall this fast since Michael Jackson hit the ground after the OD.

Thad Matta - Thanks for leaving Xavier the morning after you held a press conference saying you were staying with the program. Always classy. Glad to see Ohio State can't win championships.

George Lucas - You ruined Star Wars and Indiana Jones in a 10 year span. Personally, I was always a bigger fan of Indy, but South Park had it right when they said you raped everyone that saw that movie.

Waiting on Standby

T.O., Barry Bonds, Rasheed Wallace, that old lady and her sons from the Goonies. I'm pretty sure some other person will let you on their flight.

Meatbella:

This plane takes off from Manchester, NH and lands in Boston, meaning the crash will almost inevitably happen in the Boston area, destroying the entire city.

Art Modell- obvi.

Chad Kroeger- stop. please. stop.

Ozzie Guillen

Chad Ochocinco- Everything about him.

Tayshaun Prince- He just annoys me.

John Elway- Obvi.

Maurice Clarett- Thank you for the championship in '03. Have fun spending the rest of your life in jail.

Brett Favre- Used to respect him, but honestly, go the f away already. Not a big fan of drama.

Octomom- Why are you alive?

Colby Cohen- Scored the game winning goal in the Frozen Four Championship game against Miami- you are responsible for the single most depressing second of my sports life. I can say that because well, a goal only takes a second... not like a pass, or a hit, or a shot... and it wasnt a series, it was one game.

Honorable Mention- Kid Rock, Lloyd Carr, A-Rod, Mark Buehrle

T-Dog:

Brett Favre, Lebron James, Jonas Brothers (all three), Vince Young, Linda Cohn, Jackie MacMullan, Carlos Zambrano, Wanda Sykes.

Jesse:

Isiah Thomas- For setting my favorite basketball team back at least a decade and making them the laughingstock of the league for several years.

Brett Favre- Retire the Dan Marino way, leave, stay away, then open a steakhouse in Las Vegas and do Nutrisystem commercials.

Jonathan Pabelbon- Stop making that dumb face whenever you pitch. If that's not enough, beforehand, he said he thinks he should close the All-Star Game in Yankee Stadium.

Hillary Swank- She looks like a boy and I can't think of any movie she was in that I liked.

Joe Buck- Always seems to be riding his pop's coattails and on some high horse like he is better than everyone.

Stuart Townsend- Nothing against this guy except for the fact he is married to my #1- Charlize Theron. Hopefully after the crash, she will look for a shoulder to cry on, which is where I step in.

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Screw yourself through the phone, how about that, guy?

Bill O'Reilly- I'm just over him judging people all the time, calling out Ludacris, etc. and then having some creepy affair on the side.

T-Pain- Thanks for dumbing down music and just making a bunch of good songs terrible. What do you bring to the table-- Dumb hats and gold fronts?

Stephen A. Smith- THIS PLANE CRASH IS TERRIBLE.

Pelle:

Money Mayweather, Ray Lewis, John Elway, Nancy Grace, Eric Metcalf, Lil Wayne, Chone Figgins, Tim McCarver, Steve Phillips, Antonio Gates (two catches for 9 yards in my fantasy super bowl one year).

Notes: People on multiple planes included John Elway, Brett Favre, Chad Kroeger, Tim McCarver and Soulja Boy. Thanks to all for their contributions.

I'll leave you with a few thoughts on Cliff Lee and the Phillies:

The Phillies traded for Cliff Lee instead of Roy Halladay on July 28. TV, print and radio clamored that the Phillies were being cheap and should have ponied up the extra guys for Halladay. Since then Halladay has had five starts he is 2-3 and his ERA is 3.40 and his WHIP is 1.32. Cliff Lee is 4-0 in four starts for the Phils with a .82 ERA and a .73 WHIP. Boston scored four earned runs on Halladay last night, Lee has allowed three earned since coming to the NL. Both are great pitchers, Halladay's body of work over the last decade is much more impressive and he is in the AL (b)East instead of the NL, but right now, there isn't a better pitcher in baseball than Cliff Lee.

-Jesse

Hard Knocks Live Blog with the Meatball and Lube Tube

We'll be updating The Lube Tube and my's gChat conversation every 5-6 minutes throughout the show so be prepared for typos, Here goes:

me: go fpor ghiorzi

Matt: I was really hoping to see an N for nudity there

is it sad that this is the biggest highlight of the cincinnati bengals since 2005?

me: yes

well Dhani jones has his own show, wehre does that stand

10:02 PM Matt: CP does it all, shoot hoops like a black man

not very high, Dhani rides a bike to the games

10:03 PM me: tahts cute

through OTR?

Matt: who knows, i think hes homeless so OTR makes sense

10:04 PM still the best helmet in football

oh, if you thought id be coherent during this chat, youd be mistaken

me: SHOOT, this is tough to copy at once

Matt: just do a post mortem

10:05 PM CORNHOLE!

me: nm, all I had to do was pop out.

where does Marvin live?

Matt: I think its Anderson

10:06 PM but how many Americans just saw cornhole for the first time?

me: everyone who doesnt live in cini

cinci*

Matt: I could take that little kid in the Oklahoma drill

10:07 PM I don't know if you saw it, but those "NOW" jerseys are their preaseason motivational jerseys

me: come on gate lady, checking CP's id?

thats what's wrong with the bengals

Matt: Your kidding yourself if you think I won't buy one after this chat

10:08 PM me: thats motivational

Matt: haha, they charge for TVs

me: wow, you guys got laverneus coles and roy williams?

Matt: yea, we take old trash

10:09 PM me: (i'm just going to post this afterward, so I'll randomly throw the time in here so there is context afterward) like.. 10:08

Matt: that works

Mike Brown gives kids cancer

me: thats not true

Matt: It could be, you can't prove its not

me: ahhh, I'm not a scientist

10:11 PM first cuss of the series?

Matt: You think Ocho knows how to make ice/

me: like cold water, or diamonds?

Matt: water

me: yes, I'd hope so

Matt: Fight Back is the other motivational shirt

10:12 PM I really didnt think it needed a 25 secnd explanation by Marvin

me: you should sign Rae Carruth, you need more bad characters

10:13 PM Matt: haha, we're gonna spread Ty Cobbs ashes on the field on opening day

me: is that Tank's son? if not, where is his dad to tell him DO NOT TAKE LIFE ADVICE FROM A MAN NAMED TANK

Matt: Oklahoma drill FTW

haha, I can see that Dad having a 3 hour ride home preaching everything Tank said

me: please show the roy williams highlight when he had that safety vs. texas(editor's note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1MpHG5x6q0)

10:14 PM Matt: I haven't seen that, link it afterwards

me: i run oklahoma drill in ncaa football on ps2

go right, spin move left, tuddy all day

10:16 PM roy dub just got his world blown up

Matt: yea, I forgot we were chatting, that was just too much fun to watch

me: 'its not football if you aint bleeding' that should be on a t shirt

im glad some part of the 2009 bengals season could be fun to watch for you

Matt: the slogan could be witten in blood

me: remember that

10:17 PM Matt: **** you, ur dolphins went 1-15

me: that was two years ago

Matt: so what

10:18 PM i hope jeter **** marino in the ****

me: those are half push ups Chase

you know im gonna have to edit that now

Matt: yea, im aware

Chase isn't looking too hot

me: what # pick was he?

Matt: 3rd round

10:19 PM reggie kelly, who's out for the year

10:20 PM I just got hard from the carson to ocho

me: nice

TMI

10:21 PM heartbreaker for kelly

Matt: sorry man, thats how i roll

for kelly, not for bengals fans

good blocker, terrible hands

me: what a let down for a guy though

10:22 PM Matt: yea, when you have a samera on it, you gotta feel bad

me: CP had a crazy look in eyes when Marvin was talking about adversity

10:23 PM Matt: he has been hurt for roughly 2 of the last 3 years

Jeremi Johnson, the Bengals version of Shaq

10:24 PM he comes in to camp 3 years in a row 30 pounds overwight

me: how so?

ahah

that's also eddy curryish

Matt: well yea, but people care about Shaq

10:25 PM me: only 16 lbs overweight, give him some credit

Matt: 276, not bad

holy **** what happened to thats kid face

10:26 PM is he related to Seal?

me: no idea

no, Seal was more scarring, not discoloring

Matt: I know, still both of em look like crap

10:27 PM this kid isnt making the team, why are they putting show time on him? becase hes smart?

im getting that tiger statue for mt front yard

10:29 PM me: they like to give you a story about a kid who won't make the team, but that people can identify with at some level

Matt: 0 for 2 on tight ends

10:30 PM me: CP is so introspective.

what I like about hard knocks is that it airs so close to live, this just happened

Matt: yea, thats a plus

10:31 PM damn, I was hoping a car was gonna crush Brown there while he was talkin

always next week

10:32 PM this is the first time ive seen Katie...Im glad she older and ugly

10:33 PM me: andre smith with no shirt on, this should have had the N for nudity tag

Matt: haha, agreed

how old is that kid, 18?

10:34 PM me: he looks young

so he put on about 20 pounds a year every year of his life

Matt: at least he's consistent

10:35 PM me: kent read kent write kent state

Matt: He's got one nickname: toast

he hope he poops in the bed

10:37 PM me: nice gloves ocho

Matt: he said he'll fight after his career

10:38 PM me: really

'the biggest thing i want him (chad) to do is everything right"

wow

Matt: he tained in the offseason to work on his footing

Child please is lame

10:39 PM me: he gets a child please

he's all over twitter

10:40 PM ahah, 'chad you tweet too much....i don't have any DUIs"

nice

Matt: the biggest problem with Chad is not having enough outlets to be heard

its true, people rag him because he talks, but he works hard, and doesn't get in trouble

10:41 PM do you have one of those pass machines at ur place yet?

me: nope

arent they called JUGS?

10:42 PM Matt: i dont know, but if they are, dont make me sound dumb

10:43 PM me: http://www.jkpsports.com/support/diagrams/football_diagram.cfm

Matt: iIm just going to throw this out there, but if marvin was white, he would have been fired by now.

me: you know that's how stu scott's eye got messed up right?

Matt: oh really? he got hit by one?

me: he was at Jets camp and wasn't paying attention and caught a tight spiral from a JUGS machine in the eye

10:44 PM Matt: that sucks for him, but did he catch it after it hit his head?

10:45 PM me: wait here's the story "Scott’s eye is the way it is because he decided to put the cape on back in 2002 at the New York Jets training camp. Then Jets head coach, Herman Edwards, invited Scott onto the field. Instead of watching the action from sideline like any non-athlete should do, Scott decided it would be cool to participate in some drills. Sure, one of the best perks of working for ESPN is going to events that most fans can only dream of or watch form afar. So, Scott decides to do some wide receiver drills.

In the drill where the jug machine shoots balls out and receivers have their back to the machine, most turn around quickly and catch the ball. Unfortunately for Scott, he has hands worse than Ohio St. and Oakland Raider tight end Ricky Dudley. Scott wore the ball right off the eye. He needed to get it removed and that is why he has a glass eye.

I’m not trying to dog Scott too hard because he is battling cancer right now but, come on, if you’re not a NFL player, get off the field. Have your dreams like all the fans you talk to each and every night, just don't try to live them out."

Matt: he's got cancer too?

god doesn't want him on tv

10:46 PM i like crocker

me: me too

Matt: he really was one of the few bright spots of last year

10:47 PM me: 'im pissed off to the highest pisstivity', nice ocho

10:48 PM how much do you get paid to call play-by-play for the bengals intrasquad?

Matt: he calls the regular season games too

joansen or something like that

me: how did mike brown get his money?

10:49 PM Matt: male prostitution

him, and katie had this act called the aristocrats

me: really though

Matt: his dad was paul brown

me: first cut

10:50 PM Matt: pwn

me: hey good morning, no don't put pants on, we're cutting you. don't feel bad, it's just that you're not good, so....

10:51 PM Matt: yea, gotta feel bad for that

me: not a bad first ep

10:52 PM Matt: how do you make another team if you get cut from the bengals in week 1

me: lions, browns, etc

Matt: dolphins

this was the 1st hard knocks ive seen

10:53 PM

Entourage, Episode 604 and 605 and Ballpark Review

The Meatballs made a trip to Chicago to watch the pinstripes.

ENTOURAGE RECAP(S)

I can only hope Ashley's character gets so pissed at E for calling her Sloan at the end of the last episode (instead of flattered that he would mistake her for a dime piece) that she leaves him and starts dating someone, anyone else so long as they are not on this show. I liked the Brady cameo and it reminded me how much this guy looks like Brady.

Believe it or not, I was on E's side for most of the last episode. I get why he was upset with Sloan for her putting the manager maven (her godfather) in E's foursome and pitching E to him. Once upon a time, I was involved in a relationship with a woman with a family member in a powerful position that happened to be in my industry and I, like E, prefer to earn things, rather than have people hand them to me. I was very reluctant to get a handout, layup, etc. from this person even though both the girl I was with and her family offered it to me many times. However, now that I'm out of that relationship, I see that moment in my life as one where I was too proud and should have accepted the head start as that's how business is done in America. So with the knowledge I have now, I wanted to jump through the screen and tell E to take advantage of Sloan's help.

The season is shaping up to be a good one still and I have definitely been digging the cameos, Brady, Wahlberg, 50, Tambor and so on. As a huge Arrested Development fan, I love seeing what George Bluth is doing now.

NEW COMISKEY AKA US CELLULAR FIELD AKA THE CELL

Concessions

Terrible. The hot dog I had was good but the vendors bust your balls a bit when you want it plain w/mustard and ketchup instead of Chicago Style. The only beers I could find were High Life, Miller Lite and Corona. While I enjoy Corona, I'm at a ballgame, I want an American beer and I am normally opposed to drinking any Miller product because they taste like urine. I ended up settling for a miller lite on Saturday but regretted it immediately. I thought it was very caste-y, sort of like the new Yankee Stadium when I wasn't allowed to go to any other level than the one my ticket was for. Pelle and I were in the 500 level on Sunday and wanted to hit the fan shop and found a semi-decent there, but wanted to see what else was out there in the way of gear. We walked down the ridiculously long exit ramps to get denied at the 300, 100 and field level entrances when all we wanted to do was check out another fan shop and spend money in the stadium.

Getting there

Ehhh. It is right off the EL, so it's not too bad but was completely on the other side of the city from where I was staying. Getting there on Saturday was a breeze, but Sunday, one stop from the ballpark, the conductor announced that the train became an express at that stop. This led to 90% of the passengers jumping off and being forced to wait for the third train to get there since the next two were also sardined with fans of blue and black pinstripes. I yelled 'THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN NEW YORK' and caught a few evil eyes from Chicago natives.

Location

Wrigley Field is in an amazing neighborhood aptly named Wrigleyville whereas The Cell is stuck next to the highway, facing away from the city and a pretty skyline. They had to position it this way to avoid a constant sun in the players' eyes, so I'm told, but it's a real shame because the skyline is only seen when you are on the outer concourse.

Price

Great, but confusing. While I didn't pay for my ticket to Saturday's game, it was an incredible value. 100 level seats for $54 is incredible - or maybe Yankanomics have jilted my point of view on these things. We were a couple dozen seats off the field for a very fair price, but on Sunday - when I did pay for my seat - we were on the 500 level, wayyyy up there (maybe five or six rows from the top) and the tickets were $35. Great value/bang for buck down low, but not so much up high.

Fans

Pretty Good. I saw flashes of passion, heard some legit trash talk after the home team won the first three games and didn't see the normal 50/50 or better distribution of Yankees fans that you see in Tampa, Baltimore, Texas, etc. However, my opinion on White Sox fans took a negative turn when upon exiting the park, a fan yelled "Munson Sucks" at my group of friends (all clad in #15 Thurman Munson jersey tees) on the 30th anniversary of The Captain's death. Classless.

Overall

I liked it. Good ballpark to watch games, good crowd and each concourse had an open feel, but don't try walking to another level.

LIVE BLOG TOMORROW-FIRST EPISODE OF HARD KNOCKS

-Jesse