Friday, August 21, 2009

All Plane Crash Teams

After a gChat discussion with the Lube Tube earlier this year (which was about a bar discussion he had with another buddy), I decided to enlist the help of some of the people and compile several All Plane Crash Teams. At first I thought the Lube Tube meant the most talented atheletes to die on plane crashes, but then he clarified things for me. If a plane were to crash with any 10 athletes/celebs/reporters/politicians/entertainers/etc., which ones would you not lose sleep over after hearing it on the news. It's a private plane, since most of these people are rich, so it's only got 10 seats on it. Don't take this list to seriously because as the Notorious BIG once said, "I would never wish death on nobody, cuz ain't no coming back from that."

AWWW Spit:
Nickelback (all five), Sarah Palin, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Romeo Crennel, Rob Schneider, Joe Jackson.

Jeremy Schaap, Tim McCarver, Al Davis, Hal Steinbrenner, Andy Varajeo, Ricky Davis, Jeff Reed, J.P. Losman, Ralph Friedgen, Charlie Weiss, Entire cast of “The Hills” w/o initials of LC, Soulja Boy

Lube Tube:
Donnie Darko award for the person who will not be on the plane, but killed by the debris of the crash: Mike Brown.
All my life, I couldn't wait until I had season tickets to the Bengals. It lasted two years. Thanks Mike, for being the most annoying and retarded owner in the game. I hope a bear mauls your corpse after the crash, just in case there was a possibility of it being an open casket.
Big Gay Ben - Hated him when he was at Miami, then he went my rival (in our eyes, not theirs) NFL team. Then his teammate cheap-shotted Carson Palmer in 2005, they kept us from the playoffs on an overtime play in 2006, and their overall success makes me sick.
Hines Ward - Its not an all crash team without him. Well, with him there, at least Ben can have sex one more time before it's all over
First Class (to hell)
Nickelback - If I can't take the whole band then how about the lead singer, Chad Kroeger? They've completely brought back everything I hated about glam rock, except now they do it with rehashed lyrics, and overly distorted chords they've ripped off of hundreds of other bands. There is a reason girls and people without music knowledge like them, they're playing other people's hits, disguised in distortion.
Fox executives - Again, I wish I could take them all, but whoever cancelled my favorite two shows of all time, they need to go. First was Brisco County Jr. in the early 90's (completely obscure show that only lasted a year, starring Bruce Campbell), then they took Arrested Development off the air. If Yes Dear or any show with David Spade can keep getting renewed, how about the best TV comedy I've ever seen?
Second class citizens
Kobe Bryant - Never liked him, never will. Yes he's a good player, but he is just too weird for me. And I don't care about the getting charged for rape thing, but cmon man, get a nicer looking white girl next time.
Ray Lewis - Always nice to be a sports celebrity and get off the hook for murder. Why don't more people talk about this? I don't get it.

Bud Selig - You made an All Star game a tie, have handled the steroid era horribly, and you make less public appearances than Bin Laden. Just let Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame. He's a jerk, we all know, but so are 60% of all baseball players in the hall.
Brett Favre - I haven't seen an icon fall this fast since Michael Jackson hit the ground after the OD.
Thad Matta - Thanks for leaving Xavier the morning after you held a press conference saying you were staying with the program. Always classy. Glad to see Ohio State can't win championships.
George Lucas - You ruined Star Wars and Indiana Jones in a 10 year span. Personally, I was always a bigger fan of Indy, but South Park had it right when they said you raped everyone that saw that movie.
Waiting on Standby
T.O., Barry Bonds, Rasheed Wallace, that old lady and her sons from the Goonies. I'm pretty sure some other person will let you on their flight.

This plane takes off from Manchester, NH and lands in Boston, meaning the crash will almost inevitably happen in the Boston area, destroying the entire city.

Art Modell- obvi.

Chad Kroeger- stop. please. stop.

Ozzie Guillen

Chad Ochocinco- Everything about him.

Tayshaun Prince- He just annoys me.

John Elway- Obvi.

Maurice Clarett- Thank you for the championship in '03. Have fun spending the rest of your life in jail.

Brett Favre- Used to respect him, but honestly, go the f away already. Not a big fan of drama.

Octomom- Why are you alive?

Colby Cohen- Scored the game winning goal in the Frozen Four Championship game against Miami- you are responsible for the single most depressing second of my sports life. I can say that because well, a goal only takes a second... not like a pass, or a hit, or a shot... and it wasnt a series, it was one game.

Honorable Mention- Kid Rock, Lloyd Carr, A-Rod, Mark Buehrle

Brett Favre, Lebron James, Jonas Brothers (all three), Vince Young, Linda Cohn, Jackie MacMullan, Carlos Zambrano, Wanda Sykes.

Isiah Thomas- For setting my favorite basketball team back at least a decade and making them the laughingstock of the league for several years.

Brett Favre- Retire the Dan Marino way, leave, stay away, then open a steakhouse in Las Vegas and do Nutrisystem commercials.

Jonathan Pabelbon- Stop making that dumb face whenever you pitch. If that's not enough, beforehand, he said he thinks he should close the All-Star Game in Yankee Stadium.

Hillary Swank- She looks like a boy and I can't think of any movie she was in that I liked.

Joe Buck- Always seems to be riding his pop's coattails and on some high horse like he is better than everyone.

Stuart Townsend- Nothing against this guy except for the fact he is married to my #1- Charlize Theron. Hopefully after the crash, she will look for a shoulder to cry on, which is where I step in.

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Screw yourself through the phone, how about that, guy?

Bill O'Reilly- I'm just over him judging people all the time, calling out Ludacris, etc. and then having some creepy affair on the side.

T-Pain- Thanks for dumbing down music and just making a bunch of good songs terrible. What do you bring to the table-- Dumb hats and gold fronts?


Money Mayweather, Ray Lewis, John Elway, Nancy Grace, Eric Metcalf, Lil Wayne, Chone Figgins, Tim McCarver, Steve Phillips, Antonio Gates (two catches for 9 yards in my fantasy super bowl one year).

Notes: People on multiple planes included John Elway, Brett Favre, Chad Kroeger, Tim McCarver and Soulja Boy. Thanks to all for their contributions.

I'll leave you with a few thoughts on Cliff Lee and the Phillies:

The Phillies traded for Cliff Lee instead of Roy Halladay on July 28. TV, print and radio clamored that the Phillies were being cheap and should have ponied up the extra guys for Halladay. Since then Halladay has had five starts he is 2-3 and his ERA is 3.40 and his WHIP is 1.32. Cliff Lee is 4-0 in four starts for the Phils with a .82 ERA and a .73 WHIP. Boston scored four earned runs on Halladay last night, Lee has allowed three earned since coming to the NL. Both are great pitchers, Halladay's body of work over the last decade is much more impressive and he is in the AL (b)East instead of the NL, but right now, there isn't a better pitcher in baseball than Cliff Lee.


1 comment:

  1. Well put jess...cliff is by far the best in the game