Friday, January 14, 2011

"Brady Hoke was our First Choice"

Really, Pizza boy? You're going to look at me with a straight face and say that? Come on bro. You didn't make offers to Les Miles and Jim Harbaugh because you knew they wouldn't accept the offer. It's like I bought this used Hyundai because it was my first choice, even after I looked at new Lambos and Aston Martins. NO. I bought the used Hyundai because I knew I could afford/get it and the Aston was much better suited in the dealership than out front of my crummy apartment. I would love to date Adriana Lima, but she can be real with me and not pretend that I was her first choice. I don't care, tell me I'm the 50th choice, I know I'm not on her level and I'd be happy that she was honest with me. The guy, who is under .500 as a coach, I'm sure is tickled that he's now UM coach, regardless that he wasn't the top pick.

Yo, Bron. If you're going to say you embrace this villainous role the fans have put on you, then EMBRACE it. Don't be passive-aggressive, tweeting that "Karma is a b****..." but not even actually typing the word. Sac up my man. Then when it's the lead story on six ESPN shows, you're going to come off it and say it was retweeted when it clearly wasn't and that it had nothing to do with the Cavs. Ever heard of Sherlock Holmes (it could have been Colombo or any other number of fictional detectives)? He said there's no such thing as coincidence and I happen to believe him. You didn't just tweet that completely unrelated item at that perfect time. Own it and people will respect you.

Yankees bullpen just got even dirtier. The best closing pitcher in the history of closing or pitching plus last year's league leader in saves. NBD. It reminds me of when the Yankees traded for Armando Benitez, except that Soriano is good and not a headcase. Attention: K-Rod, you're now the third best closer in New York. And don't forget that Joba can regain that dominance of a couple years back when he's pitching in the less pressure-y 7th inning with Dave Robertson and doesn't ever have to face a lefty because of Pedro Feliciano's arrival. Boston, you have the big bats; Philly, you have the dirtiest rotation since mid-1990s Atlanta, but the Yankees can play six innings of baseball, get a lead and the game is ova. It's like little league out there for the pinstripes.

I'll leave you with this, from Major League...The five ways you and your friends can pick up girls:

1. The Lone Wolf- You show up at the bar and within 15 minutes he’s gone from your group. He’s probably already sitting next to a girl at the bar, or getting to know a group of girls at the table. You’ll see him for possibly 10 minutes tonight, and most of that will be him telling you about his chick, or some other nonsense. This guy never ever drives others to the bar, because odds are, you know he’s not interested in being able to be your DD home.

2. Nobody likes the next guy. He’s creepy. Say hello to The Sell-Out. He’s here to do whatever he can to hook up with a girl, even if she’s into you. He’s gonna talk trash about anyone he needs to in order to elevate his standings with the ladies. Absolute kryptonite when multiples are playing a group of bitties. He’s going to ruin the whole atmosphere for everyone, and he’s totally fine with it.

3. 3rd on our list is The Team QB. Think of what the house mother is to sororities, only the exact opposite. This guy makes sure he’s taking care of everyone, putting you in the best possible position to get with the girl. It’s not about stats with him on how many girls he could have tonight, but rather making sure that his pack of buddies can score. You may know his brother, The Point Guard. Both are invaluable members of any group. However, like in Highlander, there can be only one. Too many field generals out at the bar just causes confusion and leads to more unused condoms than you can imagine.

4. The Vulture. Much like the lone wolf, the Vulture likes to work on his own. However, he silently stalks his prey, waiting for that point that his target has had one drink too many, and is displaying considerably clouded judgment. Signs of a Vulture are gazing across the room without moving for long periods of time, constantly walking past a table of girls almost as if it were guard duty, and waiting until his target has removed herself from the group to make his move.

5. The Pack. Usually a larger number of males that find a position at the bar, and stay there for the majority of the night. They allow the girls to approach them as they are too busy enjoying man stuff. Reconnaissance missions are deployed throughout the night, as search parties of usually 1 or 2 go looking for girls to bring back to the pack. Whether successful or not, the pack usually has a good time, and if things aren’t going too well, they will just move to a different bar.

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