Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stupid Movies [Major League Guest Blog]

The truth of motion pictures, is that reality holds as much weight as gravity in space. It’s an idea that can be used and not used at a moment’s notice, to further the plot by any means necessary. This concept is not new. James Bond has avoided being shot by dozens of guards with automatic weapons for years. However, in recent years, the entertainment industry has somehow tried to use “scientific reasoning” to explain the absurdity of its premises. Long gone is the climax of a movie being a filibuster, or a gambler losing everything (Please go see The Hustler, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, or the Great Escape before tossing down $15 on the Smurfs in 3D). Not saying that the golden age of movies didn’t have its share of stupidity, it just seems like unrealistic plots are rewarded at an alarming rate by today’s movie-going public. Before I delve into some of the lessons I’ve learned from recent blockbusters, please note that I didn’t even dare touch on Superhero movies. Outside Keaton’s Batman, there is no realistic superhero movie (Possible exceptions: Kick-Ass, though outside the title character, the plot makes absolutely no sense, and the more I think about it, the less I like the movie). Oh, and wizards and vampires are left out of this too, since I sure as hell hope none of you think they are real either. I wanted to include some tidbits about Twilight, but that would involve me learning something other than the absurd plotlines I pick up from my friends that are forced to see it with their girlfriends/wives.

Now this whole post was inspired by me reading, and seeing, the new Planet of the Apes trailer. How is this movie being made? It’s ridiculous. There are about 115,000 gorillas (the movie's main focal point of ape classification) in the world, with 100,000 mainly being in Africa (Congo). Even with human-caliber knowledge, we could still take them out. Easily.  Say all non-African gorillas were in the U.S., in one city. That’s a military of 15,000. To further put that in context, in the U.S., there are over 350 million people. Say 50% are men, and 50% of those men are in relative fighting condition (Ages 14 – 50). That makes the odds 5,830 men for every one gorilla / ape. Ummm, how do we lose? Even the Persians didn’t have as good of odds. I just don’t get it. (Editor's note: Major League would be taken out so fast by a baby ape, it's not even funny)

Without further ado, some life lessons I learned while at the movies:

Independence Day / Bad Boys I & II / Men in Black I & II / I, Robot / I am Legend: Don’t f* with Will Smith.

Transformers II: Yes, there is a robot heaven, and yes, people are able to visit.

Read that again.

Wanted: Bending bullets and jumping building to building (approx 150 ft away) can be done, with the right adrenaline.

Avatar: If you are a good person, and fight against ecological annihilation, you die and get reincarnated into the race you are saving. Bonus good guy points: You get the hot blue chick too! (Editor's note: Zoe Saldana so hot in real life, too)

Pirates of the Caribbean IV: Acting like you are retarded from drug abuse makes you funny and likeable.

Hangover II: Adding a monkey makes it a fresh movie, not a complete rehash. (Editor's note: and it's in a new city, and don't forget the boat)

Live Free of Die Hard: Sliding on your back for a minimum of 75 feet  down a collapsing expressway overpass doesn’t cause even a mild case of road rash.

National Treasure II: Kidnapping the POTUS is a logical and accomplishable plan.

Fast Five: Actually, all this stuff can happen in real life. It’s the most realistic movie franchise ever created. Take note future drivers of the world!

-Major League

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