Some Valentine's advice from Meatball Ali

Women are hard to understand. I’m a woman and I know this. I say things I don’t mean to test you, constantly complain about how I look but would be pissed if you agreed, and am rarely straight-forward about exactly what I want. I know – it’s not fair. And Valentine’s Day is one of the hardest holidays, if not the hardest, for men to get right in our books. I am here to help.

While we do usually love expensive things, it’s truly not about how much you spend. You call bullshit, but I’m serious. This is probably the most misunderstood point of the Valentine’s holiday (or all gift-buying occasions for that matter). Women are emotional beings by nature. We love to be loved, to feel emotion, and even best to feel that the person we love has emotions of their own. If you can come up with a Valentine’s Day plan that proves you A) have emotions, and B) pay attention to us even a little bit, then the price you pay doesn’t really matter. The point here is to BE THOUGHTFUL. Don’t robotically purchase expensive jewelry, red roses, and a stupid box of chocolates. Predictability is not a turn on. It’s when you surprise us by showing you really do care, pay attention to what we like, and make a genuine effort to make us happy that there is a payoff.

Here are a few examples of ways you can woo your woman this Valentine’s Day that she will never see coming (especially if you typically suck at gift giving – you know who you are).

1. Cook her dinner yourself!
Skip the long waits, overpriced restaurants, and public displays of affection. Instead, show her you are willing to try (even if you absolutely suck) and plan a dinner at home. Don’t know what to cook? Try this man-friendly menu:

• Bottle of wine – figure out if she likes white or red better, then pick out a bottle that you think has a cool look (if the wine itself sucks, you still picked a cool-looking bottle). Go mid-range in price, and make sure you have a bottle opener at home!
• Dinner – Try steaks on the grill, baked potatoes, and green beans – all as simple as it gets. Grab a few steaks of your choice (sirloin, rib-eye, whatever you like), steak seasoning (spice aisle), 2 potatoes, foil, some fresh green beans, onion, bacon, red wine vinegar, margarine, and whatever else you like to top your potatoes with. You will have a killer dinner in about an hour’s worth of work.
• Dessert – All women love dessert, so it’s hard to go wrong. This is an area where you can skip the baking yourself and pick something up from a local store or restaurant. Does she love a certain flavor of ice cream? Pick up a pint at the grocery. Does she go nuts over a certain desert at a local restaurant? Order it to go on your way home that day.
• Ambience is also clutch – Light a few candles and turn the lights down a little. Play some music (any style you both like) and show her you thought of everything.

2. If you’re going to buy flowers, be original.
Red roses are safe, but do not try to be cute and get any other color of roses. They just don’t have the same effect. And to be honest, roses in general are just kind of boring. If you want to get bonus points, show a little more effort and pay attention to what flowers she likes best. If you don’t know, here are a few other cool alternatives that show thoughtfulness and creativity:

• Calla Lilies
• Orchids
• Hydrangea

3. Write her your own card, and skip the chocolates.
Don’t stand in the card aisle with all the other chumps looking desperately through Valentine’s Day cards. These cards were most likely written by women, and we know you don’t talk like that or write poems. Buy some plain cardstock in the arts and crafts section and make her your own card with your own thoughts. We are constantly trying to convince you to express your emotions, use this opportunity to write down what you feel for her, what you’re thankful for, and how much you love her. While this is the cheapest part of your plan, it is also usually the most significant. Don’t worry, your buddies will never read it – so show some feeling and tell her how you feel! And oh yeah, don’t buy a box of chocolates. Generic and thoughtless.

4. Choose a gift she’ll love and appreciate.
If you feel like your woman will also expect a wrapped gift (thoughtfulness goes a long way with most women, but there are a few who expect materialistic gifts in addition to), continue down your road of thoughtfulness and buy her something that she has mentioned wanting lately. Don’t feel like you have to pick the perfect piece of jewelry (we are usually too picky anyway) – but instead get her something you know she wants that is in your price range. Has she mentioned how bad she wants to see the Black Eyed Peas in concert, or how she would love to get a pedicure but just doesn’t want to spend the money? Show her you listen and find a tour date near you, or ask one of her girlfriends about a good spa in your area. Trust me, pedicures and massages will always go over well.

While women are hard to understand, following this go-to guide for Valentine’s Day is going to be a slam dunk for you guys out there. Feel free to improvise where you see fit for your own woman’s wants and needs, but emphasize your thoughtfulness and creativity and she won’t be disappointed.