Love for the Officials [Mondays with Gus]

I'm writing this article to make up for all the times I've blamed officials for all that is wrong in the world of sports (and the world at large). Sure, officials make their share of mistakes. They have taken over games instead of letting the teams try to outplay each other. I understand all of this. But, it's about time someone stood up for them. We know the NFL and the players union only care about themselves, and this is a small token of my appreciation for some of the victims of this whole lockout situation.

The best analogy that I can use for officials is to say they are the customer service representative of the sports world. “No, you can't do that. It's not allowed with your plan. I understand that you're angry, but I didn't write the rules. In fact, I don't do anything other than read the rules to you that were given when you purchased our service/product.” This is an awful situation to be in for any human being. Working with people that hate you is awful. It's almost as bad as being a dentist.

So, to make up for this constant hatred toward officials, every now and again I like to send some love via e-mail. If you remember a few years back, there was an extremely controversial play in the NFL where the wrong call was made by Ed Hochuli. I have always been a huge fan of Ed, because he's a great official. But this time, he screwed up big time. We all do every once in a while (or daily, depending on the person), and I felt like he was being nailed by the fans, players, and the media. He's human, so I decided to cheer him up. Here's the e-mail string:

Gus wrote:

Mr. Hochuli,

My name is Gus Rafeedie and I had a chance to see the play that most people are talking about this past weekend. Let me start by saying that no man should be judged solely on his worst moment in his career. I hate what the media is doing to you and how some fans are responding. You deserve more support.

I think you're the best official I can remember seeing in any sport at any level. I may not be the most wordly sports fan alive, but my statement still stands. I'm a Browns fan and God only knows how few of us out there would tell an official that they're great at what they do.

I look forward to seeing you officiate the Browns in the super bowl one day.

Thanks for being a great official.

Gus

P.S. I was hoping your e-mail address would be something like sunsout@gunsout.com, but this is good too.

P.P.S. I'm sorry if I wasted company time!

Ed wrote:

Thanks for the chuckle on the email address, Gus. I needed it. And thank you for the supportive email. Very much appreciated.

Ed

I meant everything I said in the that e-mail. Not only is the guy a great official, but he sets a great example for everyone involved by being ripped enough to uproot a tree with his bare hands. He's not some obese ref telling the world's best athlete what they did wrong.

So, to all the officials out there who are yelled at, insulted, sworn to hell, and blamed for everyone else's life problems; I'm sorry for everything I've done to you, and you deserve better. And, if Ed Hochuli is actually reading this, thanks again for responding and showing us all that you're actually a human being that appreciates a little kindness.

-Gus Rafeedie

This is Why I Love America [Major League Guest Blog]

This is why I love America.

Really, if you are reading this blog site, you too love Merika. It’s just not about the fact that we totally kick ass at spending money that isn’t ours, inventing badass sports like every sport except soccer and hockey (note that soccer is not a badass sport). It’s that we can rally around something as tragic as the events of 9/11, and feel a pang of hope when the figurehead of that act is taken down. Over the course of the last year, I think I’ve seen George W. Bush fire a heater down broadway about 40 times, Marvin Gaye and Whitney Houston belt out nasty versions of the anthem, and seen John Mclaine destroy a bevy of Russian foreigners who had no right being in Merika in the first place.

I love Merika because we overindulge. Binging is a way of life. Debt happens. Stupid people can become famous (i.e. Keanu Reeves. I mean seriously, he’s in Point Break, The Matrix, AND Bill and Ted? How the hell did that happen? Was Paul Walker just too young? Speaking of Paul Walker, is there anything more Merika than Fast and the Furious excluding Tokyo Drift? Fast cars, fast women, bad acting, lots of guys wearing sleeveless shirts, drugs, guns, cars, probable steroid abuse by Vin Deisel. That’s Merika. ). Every staple of life is copious in quantity (food, clothes, shelter), you can say whatever’s on your mind at any time, and can pause live Tv now.

Do we still have flaws? Of course. We’re becoming more unhealthy as a whole, racism still exists (too a much lesser degree however, but still), Title IX is still around, people still like Nickelback, and reality TV is now the majority of television programming. Is it anything we can’t work on to overcome? Of course not. And just like how we took down a figurehead today, we’ll have to do it again tomorrow. But just keep driving that Hummer your parents got you during your super sweet 16^th party, because when the Middle East runs out of oil, Al-Qaida will run out of money, and then they can’t afford the swing sets they need to do conduct their monkey bar training.

Osama Bin Gone

OSAMA'S DONEZO!

(In related news, Mondays with Gus will resume tomorrow, as will my final crushing argument debunking Rock Paper Scissors as a sport)

Rock Paper Scissors is a Sport, Round 5

“You can sit down... That is a monumental strike against it's sport-hood.” Nice job insulting everyone that uses a wheelchair and plays sports. Since their legs don't work, they don't play basketball, do distance racing, or anything else of the sort. Typical East Coast arrogance! “People who aren't like me suck at life” would have been a better way to conclude your article. Wheelchair basketball is a sport, so your whole concept here is completely flawed.

“At least their whole body is involved” You my friend, have never heard of the knuckleball. It takes the same amount of effort to throw rock as it does to throw a knuckleball. Leaving a comment on this blog takes up about as much energy as throwing a knuckleball. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it takes more energy to walk up to the mound than it does to actually throw that pitch.

“There isn't a sport where you can fill the league with fatties” You must not have seen the Yankees play this year. Bartolo Colon, CC Sabathia, and Joba The Gut. These guys are so fat that they would be picked on by people in fat camp.

I'm not going to take this much farther. You obviously believe that RPS is not a sport purely because the Yankees have a few guys that weigh less than a metric ton on their roster. Whatever. I will end by saying this: You have yet to give a legitimate definition for what a sport is. If you do give a legit definition, it better not be one that would include NASCAR. Now that's not a sport.

-Gus Rafeedie

Rock Paper Scissors is NOT a Sport, Round 4

Gus, Gus, Gus. You can find fatties in any other league, clearly. Who else is going to protect Tom Brady's precious knee and pretty hair? Why be a DH if you're in good enough shape to play the field? But there isn't a sport where you can fill the league with fatties and it will work. However, in the Rock Paper Scissors League/Association/whatever its called, you can do that. Which, in turn, revokes is status as a sport.

To address your argument of a baseball hurler being as active as a rock hurler, I can barely take that serious. As a pitcher, during a wind-up, or from the stretch, you use your whole body to get every drop of energy required to throw the ball with that velocity. If you stand as still as a Rock Paper Scissors competitor, you'd have little speed on the ball and it'd get hit all over the park. They may only have 25-30 repetitions of physical activity lasting only three or four seconds each and only do that three times a week, but at least their whole body is involved. As opposed to just their wrist and fingers.

New point of contention: You can sit down and be actively playing Rock Paper Scissors. That is a monumental strike against its sport-hood. I tried to think of all the sports you could counter me with where sitting down happens and the best I could think of is crew/rowing. Sure, you're sitting in that one, but you use your entire upper body and probably your core and legs too (I've never done that, so I can't be sure, but it seems like that makes sense).

So if your entire league can be made up of fat guys sitting down, I can't, in good conscious, call what you do a sport.

Bonus Easter Sunday with Gus

Gus' ideas for when we take over the local blog market. What to name the site to relate to people in each region.

Domestic:

Chicago, IL: Sausages In The Morning

Houston, TX: 68oz Sirloin Steak In The Morning

Los Angeles, CA: Chorizo In The Morning

San Francisco, CA: Alternative Soy-Based Meat Substitute In The Morning

Philadelphia, PA: Cheese Steak In The Morning

Portland, OR: Organic, Humanely-Raised, Grain Fed Meatballs In The Morning (editor's note: my favorite)

Kansas City, MO: Slow Roasted Meatballs In The Morning

Atlanta, GA: Double Battered, Deep Fried Meatballs In The Morning

Kentucky: Tobacco In The Morning

Wyoming: Shot, and Hung From A Tree In The Front Yard In The Morning

Alaska: Moose Shot From A Helicopter In The Morning

Boston, MA: Chowdah In The Morning

International:

Palestine: Shish Kebab In The Morning

Greece: Lamb In The Morning

England: Bangers And Mash In The Morning

Switzerland: Neutral Meatballs In The Morning

India: Something Really F***ing Spicy In The Morning

Rock Paper Scissors is a Sport, Round 3

Jesse, you're a friend of mine. Not that that means anything, but I thought you could use some reassuring words before I dismantle your logic on your own blog.

Your definition is so well thought out that you decided physical activity needs to be either “continued or sporadic.” Knowing that you hate it when people use the dictionary to define words, I'll just tell you unofficially that sporadic means something along the lines of “it rarely happens.” So, your definition demands a discussion of physical activity, while at the same time admitting that you don't need much of it to happen for it to be a sport. That makes about as much sense as Rocky Balboa retiring from boxing to do speech therapy.

Athleticism? Is that a joke? Have you seen CC Sabathia? Cecil Fielder? The Pittsburgh Pirates? How on earth do you define baseball as a sport when that fattest man in the world would probably play a better first base than half of the American League, since at least he covers a fair portion of the field already. Point being? You can find a guy like that in every sport. Robert “The Tractor” Traylor played in the NBA for 8 years. Cecil Fielder played in MLB for 14 seasons. Ted Washington hit 400 lbs with the Browns. 400. As in 250 pounds, plus another human being.

Let's face it, RPS is a sport. Even going by your definition rather than the actual definition accepted by society and scholars alike, it's still a sport. There is still sporadic physical activity in the same way that a relief pitcher has sporadic physical activity. They throw a ball 60 feet 6 inches about once a week. Don't act like there's a boatload of athleticism to do that. You're throwing your arm forward. The only difference is you do it much less than an RPS player does, but with more intensity. I hardly call that a big enough difference to say baseball is a sport and RPS isn't. Hell, the American League even designates someone to not play defense. As if the rest of the sport is so grueling that you need to avoid defense. There's a reason they call him “Big Papi” instead of “Athletic Papi,” and it sure as hell ain't his grueling work out regiment.

So, if you're going to claim that since fat people can play RPS than it's not a sport, please explain all the fat people in MLB, NBA and the NFL.