Every region of the country has it's own flavor of trash talk. This is designed to be a guide explaining how people in each region talk trash, and a blueprint for winning every argument.
Washington D.C. - Due to it's proximity to Congress, teams in this area of the country spend way too much money on everything. The Redskins will never be good because they try to buy talent. The National will never be good because they spent a trillion dollars this offseason on guys whose names aren't Albert Pujols and CC Sabathia. There's nothing to analyze here, other than to just tell people from DC that their teams are truly the bottom of the barrel.
The “We Have Better Things To Do” Crowd: Miami, FL and San Francisco – These two areas of the country tend to be into sports when it's the cool thing to do. This means sell outs when the team is in the playoffs, but when things come crashing down on them, they just act like they never cared in the first place. This is only a half truth, because in reality they wanted celebrities to come visit and mingle with them during after parties. So, if you're arguing with a fan of these two areas, all you have to do is mention legitimate statistics or information about how the game is played and they'll go back to checking Kim Kardashian's twitter page.
The “I'm Going To Speak Louder Than You And That Makes Me Right” Crowd: Boston, New York - I really hate to put these two groups together, but that's exactly what East Coasters do. They both scream at the top of their lungs while interrupting every sentence and walk away proud of themselves. The best way to win an argument with these two is to get them arguing with each other. If in an argument with a New York fan, tell them Boston fans are more of baseball purists than New York. When in an argument with a Boston fan, tell them the Red Sox are a poor man's Evil Empire. Boston trump card: The Patriots are proven cheaters. New York trump card: The Mets.
Chicago – Chicago is an odd one. In this city, you're just as likely to find a loudmouth that thinks Chicago is the greatest sports city in the world (usually wearing a 15 year old Michael Jordan jersey) as you are to find a depressed Cubs fan. You can't really put together a strategy for this group because they're fans are on the extreme end of the spectrum. Cubs fans are liable to cry if you talk trash to them. What you want to do is find out if they're a “we love the Cubs no matter what” fan, or a “we're trying to be loud and cool like New Yorkers” fan. If they are the latter, just tell them as much. The Cubs are like the younger brother that they aren't proud of for any reason, so bringing them up usually puts the argument in your favor. Just don't do it to a Cubs fan, because come on.
Philly – I think this may be my favorite trash talking city. Philly fans are loud, but not as loud as New York or Boston fans. In fact, people in West Philly are usually quiet and intelligent when they talk about sports. At the same time, their football stadium has a jail cell in it. Best way to talk trash is to size up your audience first. If they aren't going to kill you, continue the conversation. Since they live under the shadow of New York, bring that up. Or bring up Donovan McNabb. There's nothing Philly fans hate more than someone that brought them legitimate success for years without giving them New York-style bragging rights.
Texas – For better or worse, people in Texas think they are the best at everything, and that's the basis for every argument in the state. This is far from the truth. You can remind them that the first time they tried to have an NFL team, the Dallas Texans went broke. They were so broke, in fact that the players were responsible for cleaning their own uniforms. Then the Houston Oilers left town. Then the Rangers went broke. Yes, Texas has had lots of success in sports, but it's hardly enough to claim that they are the best at anything (except the Mavs!).
-Gus Rafeedie
Editor's Note: I'll have some thoughts on Chicago as a sports town later this week.
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